Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.