husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people