wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.