The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I love wikipedia
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
This is I, Robot all over again
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me