Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
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To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
You can’t rush stupid.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.