Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Childbirth is so beautiful
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Still my favourite meme.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.