Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
You Might Also Like
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
? 💀
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
it be like that
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.