QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Europe. Made in Germany.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Yes
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.