God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old