There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
These work great until they don’t.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Pretty much! 😂👀
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
i hate you platonically
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
awkward
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”