Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
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[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
waiting for halloween be like:
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”