Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
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Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.