I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
This why you should mind your business
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
reduce, reuse, recycle
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.