An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.