She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

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*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.


eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips


*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying


Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.


*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!


I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.


“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob


I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.


Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.


I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?