@SpicyGinger69

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

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@FrenulumBreve

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@MelvinofYork

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

@YSylon

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

@edwardsnathn

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

@TPAIN

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

@writtenbysalma

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@TheToddWilliams

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink