Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
How can I say no to this ?
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM