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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck