Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
You Might Also Like
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact