I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
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Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”