Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
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I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.