I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.