PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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Brilliant!
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.