PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom