Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe