I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
couldn’t resist
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.