If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
😲 WTF? 😆
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
When your best mate counts as a desk too
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁