Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Best table by far
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.