i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Stop.
she has a point
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down