@Carbosly Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
@RiotGrlErin i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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@Carbosly 
@MarylandMudflap Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
@thefosterer lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
@JimmerThatisAll “All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
@ronnui_ I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
@noog The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
@Voiceofgarth WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
@tigersgoroooar I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
@AndyShulk Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
@Try2StopME Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.