i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.


Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”


I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.


The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.


WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.


Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.