@RiotGrlErin

i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.

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@Carbosly

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

@MarylandMudflap

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

@ronnui_

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

@noog

The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.

@Voiceofgarth

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@Try2StopME

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.