Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Monday
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*