I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
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coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*