Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
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[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…