It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
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Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I love twitter
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.