After 35, your body ages in dog years
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drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone