[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
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Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
What number SPF blocks people?
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.