* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
You Might Also Like
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
oh you wanna fight?!
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.