Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Those are good neighbors.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
🖤✌🏽