@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

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@ashley_barnhill

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

@Arbitral

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

@StorybookBlonde

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

@CodeineFridge

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@robdelaney

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

@PanettaSexyTime

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

@indigo_raven_

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.