If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
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My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.