The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
<—- homeless romantic
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”