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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*