8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font