8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
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[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
when nothing goes right… go left
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
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Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up