Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again