Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
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I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid