I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
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My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
rebranding
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
All right then, keep your secrets
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain