ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Life is a suicide mission.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.