I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)