As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car