we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.