Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK