Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo