Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
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Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.