“no gods no masters” = leo
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I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would