I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
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Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Growing up was a huge mistake
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER